Hey guys princessprt here and i guess i'm here to talk about something. Lets see what it turns into.
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Online I'm princessprt and in reality I'm Paige. Yes Paige is my name, Like a page in the book, the joke's gotten old. I am actually twenty. Yeah one year away from able to buy alchol. Even though i dont drink and dont really like the stuff. So I guess i should start with some facts. Fact- I am Obese. Fact-I have anxiety. Fact- I have Autism and final fact- i have depression. Depression sucks, So does anxiety and obesity. Obesity means overwieght aka I'm fat. I know this, Don't try and sugar coat it or anything. My nana's already doing that. Truth betold I take more offense to someone trying to Say im fat but with sugar coat. Its like yeah i know im fat, Dont sugar coat it, and unless your a doctor who has my medical record, dont tell me what to do, what diet to try. Also dont try to say the doctor is lying, because they are not. I am So close to being a diabetic that i am one, but technically not. Still dont know how that works. So my problem that connects my obesity with my depression and anxiety is that I use to stress eat and i got over that, but now i stress drink. And its not alchol but its not water. Its soda. And if you guys dont know then Stress drinking soda is bad because soda is chemicals and sugar, and not water. and in the words of the knee doctor i visited awhile ago, Soda does nothing but harms your body. Soda has no nutrients. Like yeah a soda once or twice a day is cool. But it has to be a 12 ounce or less. Because i have slipped bad enough into depression where i use to stress drink Two 2 liter bottles of coke cola a day. Dont stress drink anything its more harmful than good to do that. Take the advice from someone who does it. Also Soup diet sucks but so long as its not a long term diet you should be good. How does Obesity affect my depression. So the funniest thing is that remember when i said my nana sugar coats the fact im fat? she doesnt do it well. I mean i know the doctors tell me this information that i need to loose weight because its physically good and will help me get over depression quicker. My nana does it in the way that she wants me to look physically. If you guys have read in the past blog posts my nana is somewhat of a toxic person. i love her but she's toxic. So how do all four fit in. Because Depression covers the world in a dark light while anxiety causes fear and saddiness by whispering false truths and bright lies. Autism causes the world to look distorted while obesity holds you down. Every day i fight depression to not do something i know will hurt others and myself. I fight anxiety so i wont break down from all the pain it causes. I work with my autism so i can see clearly, Hear the sounds with out a problem and talk without a filter that messes our worlds up. I deal with obesity by knowing its there. I have been working on it because i like to eat. There are days,weeks, and even months where depression and anxiety take a vacation. When they return i fight to not get knocked down and drown. There are times i stand strong and some where i fall and get swept away. My depression makes me want to do something to make it go away. It causes me to see paths that cause more harm then good and that i would normally never see as i wouldnt want to go down it. Thanks to my depression i now have to fight to eat and drink. I now have the problem where i will often forget to eat or hold off on eating or even skip a meal or two because i could loose a few pounds. I know its harmful and im trying to not do it but i catch myself keep doing it. Thanks to Anixety i hear whispers of voices that have harmful words that hurt the most when i stand in the mirror. Depression painting my flaws plain to see. Both masking away what is the good in me. I cant stand to look in the mirror cause what i see is a person with a broken mask. The mask is full of happiness and laughter and seems to have fun. underneath is all the flaws. Words cutting with False truths that should mean nothing but hurt because when you hear something repeated so many times, It becomes true. I have friends whether they have stayed or flown away who suppport me and some who were just using me. Its hard to let go of someone when you care for them. Back in elementary school i had a school friend who gave me false truths and caused me more harm then good. I realized the truth in 5th grade where i befriended one of the people i considered a bully. Turns out i had more friends then i realized. So here's advice from someone still fighting: Faking it till you make it doesnt work and just causes more harm then good. Because if you fake it till you mae it, you litterally are breaking yourself apart to support a false image of yourself. Its better to admit whats wrong because Faking it till you make it could give you a bad ending. Truth is that my dream was to become a youtuber and make other people happy and cause joy and to just have fun. I love to draw, play games and alot more. When i first decided i wanted to become a youtuber it was because i saw all these youtubers who were recording videos and having fun. And my mind correlated that recording videos for youtube must be fun. So sure enough i started to try and use youtube to escape from my depression, and yeah it works but not always. Sometimes my depression comes back during the video and othertimes it comes right afterwards. Somedays i pile up so much stuff to do that i cant do it all because i want to ignore my depression. I want it gone and i want it to go away. But its depression and it doesnt work that way. There are a million things i want to do but so little time to do it in. I want to take risks but i dont want to take the bad consequnces. I mostly live in regret because of things im no longer able to do that i didnt do when i was younger. But the most i regert is not remembering a single Damn thing about my past. I dont remember all the good times and i dont remember the experiences i had. Hell my dad told me i had actually rode on a horse. The fact is that it feels like im trapped in my own body with memories of who i was blocked or just plain gone. I really want to remember and i regret that i dont. What the hell happened to caused me to forget. Cause i remember 5 memories of the house on the hill before i was forced to move to my nana's. I remember the time my dad got a water gun filled with ice water and used it on me and my mom. I remember whinning about cleaning up the living room which im suprised i wasnt forced to take on more chores for that. I remember being told that we were being kicked out. I remember the basement. and i remember adopting our neighbors cat right before it went feral and bailed. thats all i remember from before the trailer park. anyway im out of time so i will see ya'll later.
